Yesterday, I was talking with the other girls from the U.S. in my class, and they feel the same as I do.
For example, Kathleen was saying how she considers herself a fairly intelligent person and other people think so too when she's at home. But, in our Japanese class, she feels like the stupidest (baka-mitai) person in the world. I couldn't feel more the same. I'm in a difficult place since I am self taught. I know a lot of things and I can understand everything the teacher says, so I was placed at a high level. However, I am not able to talk very much at all. I'm missing a lot of basics that I wish I had learned already, because now my head is feeling overwhelmed with beginner's learning and advanced learning all at the same time. It's times like this when I wish I had a photographic memory and that I didn't always get so tongue tied at important times. Even when I've memorized something completely, when I have to present my hard work, I faulter and make tons of mistakes. Hearing the recordings of my voice, I think I sound so stupid. Not only in Japanese class, but just talking to Japanese people, because I don't have the vocabulary to express myself to the fullest, I often feel that people perceive me as dumb. It's really quite frustrating...
Then Hinata was saying how she's pretty much acknowledged the fact by now that she's resigned herself to never feeling happy with herself. No matter how much she learns, she still feels that she's lacking in a lot of areas and feels like she's behind everyone else. From now on, she doubts that she will ever be "manzoku" (satisfied) with her own abilities. I couldn't believe that she was saying that because she is so above me on so many levels, especially speaking. But, I guess everyone shares my feelings. On the other hand, despite what she says, I am at a worse position than her. Even though I'm older than her, I'm lacking in so many ways and that's why Japanese, even though I love it so much, is quite painful.
So, just try harder, "ganbatte kudasai" people say. But what should I try harder on? Even when I spend the weekend studying super hard, I don't feel like I get anywhere. There's so much to learn and I'm so behind that I don't know what to do. Then trying to take care of myself at the same time isn't an easy task...It makes me wonder if I'll ever get better. I'll keep trying my hardest--and just hope that it'll be enough?
In the meantime, I have named my current situation the "baka-mitai (stupid-looking) manzoku-nai (un-satisfied) complex".
P.S. People who comment on my blog without an account as Anonymous, please sign with your name at the end of your comment, or there's no way to know who you are. It's kind of creepy to get comments saying "I love you Kenia!" from a random person haha...Thank you!
Dear Kenia, the fact that you are talking about this very difficult problem demonstrates that you are not going to give up no matter what! It is exciting to hear you and friends discussing this. When I first started speaking Spanish, I met your dad. A very intellectual, articulate, spanish-speaker. I only dreamed of being able to talk in his crowd. I keep working on my Spanish, reading and watching Amar en Tiempos revueltos. It has been a very difficult road...but the love that I have received from him and his friends has helped to fortify me and keep me improving. Now it is not so easy to tell that I still have problems.. .but I have come to accept that my Spanish will never be perfect..but nobodies is..so it's ok to be quite good and it has taken a lifetime. Let's see what you can do in a year with these wonderful teachers that you have. Remember, you are soooo lucky and also that here at home, you are sooooooo loved. z
ReplyDeleteOk.i love you was written by Alberto san, o sea, yo. Lo siento pero no me acuerdo de la palabra lo sienqto en japones en tu ultimo fantastico blog. Pero recuerdo haber sentido esas sensaciones de las que hablas en mis tiempos revueltos de aprendizaje de ingles. Sufre, es todo lo que te queda pero sin olvidarte de disfrutar en la dura experiencia. Hay luz al final del tunel y esa luz, ese tesoro, es todo tuyo. no te juzgues con demasiada dureza. Tu y tus amigas estais ahi por vuestros meritos, no importa la dureza del camino,lo que importa es el camino... ya veras como la amargura puede ser dulce y la dureza puede ser blandita como tu Poo... puedo decir quebte quiero?? A
ReplyDeleteHey, Kenia. Remember me? I felt exactly the same when I got your home. And you know what: I just realized that I've learned something when I came back to Brazil. It's hard to be alone somewhere you don't know as well as home. It's pretty hard to learn in a completely different culture, language and away from family. But you are really young and have time enough to learn everything you want. You just have to keep going on, day by day and then one morning you will wake up and see you are already dreaming in Japanese, even saying bad words in your thoughts... What helped in English was to watch TV with you and Xan: kids tv teachs a lot!! Love you. VAL
ReplyDeleteHey Kenia,
ReplyDeleteI think I understand how you feel (I hope). I only speak one language well, and even though I've tried very hard, I can't seem to hold on to any fluency in Spanish. I feel like a 2nd grader speaking Spanish since I have to pause and hesitate before each word I say. I think you're in a GOOD place, though. Your class is challenging, but that gives you the most room to grow and learn from these experiences, something you might not be able to get from a lower level class.
Also, don't worry too much about people thinking you're "stupid." Whenever I meet someone who doesn't speak English well, it's usually obvious it isn't their first language and I don't judge them on their intelligence at all. Learning a second/third/etc language isn't easy for anyone, and coming as far as you have just to understand what people say is amazing.
Wishing you the best,
-Jonathan