Lately, my life has been a roller coaster of emotions. From extreme exhilaration and excitement to utter disappointment and bitterness. But to be able to experience these emotions on my own in a whole different country is amazing in it's own way, don't you think?

I'm communicating in a different language and different culture and yet I'm able to experience happiness and sadness. Despite the language, in the end we're all human beings that can smile and make others smile and feel hurt and hurt others.

To have to deal with these emotions on my own is unbearably difficult, but at the same time, I feel that I can grow ten times as stronger this way. No matter how much I'm rejected, bullied, or ignored, I won't get let it bother me. I won't get upset. I'm not the same me as I was three years ago when I first started college and was terrified of raising my hand. I'm not the same me as I was five years ago when I was in high school when I could barely even talk to the guy I liked. Even though I may not look it, I'm a hundred times stronger than you think I am. If I take the good along with the bad and the happiness along with the pain and put it into my experience banks, I can learn from it all and expand my mind and myself for the future. Life is short, but I still have a long way to go.

Plus, even though I'm often by myself, I'm not alone. No matter how many Japanese friends I make, in the end, my best friends will probably be the other exchange students. Especially the ones at my Japanese level. The most lovely and fascinating people are by far the other people like me who have left their homes to study something as complicated as Japanese.

Yesterday, my class had the last get together at a bar before Kathleen goes back home to California. Hinata was telling me how she admires how I was able to get into level 7 by simply teaching myself. She thinks I speak so nicely and I sound really Japanese. Although I in no way agree that I'm cute or amazing at Japanese, it made me really happy to hear my friends say this. I think all of my classmates admire each other because we all have our own unique skills and our own unique ways of learning this difficult language and living in this difficult culture.

When I first started learning Japanese, Japan looked like a paradise. All my classmates were the same. What you see in books and anime and TV programs are so romanticized that Japan's image to the foreigners is glittering. As I learned more about the world and Japanese culture in school, I saw Japan's bad points, but they were only in books, so they seemed so unrealistic. Still, the good points outweighed the bad. As I started learning the language in a school setting, I started seeing some sides of the language and culture that just seemed ridiculous. For example, the usage of polite language I feel is sometimes utterly absurd. Then, when I came to live in Japan, I gradually saw Japan's faults in a realistic light. There are things about the Japanese culture that I still love, don't get me wrong. But there are also so many things about the Japanese culture that you can only experience by living here everyday, especially as a student of Japanese language. There have been so many things about Japan that I have found so distasteful that it has disillusioned me in a way. There are so many things that I want to rebel against or do just because it's expected as me as a 'foreigner'. Foreigners are expected to be loud, so why not be loud? It's weird to hear English on the train, so why not speak English on the train? At the same time, it's weird to see a foreigner speak Japanese, so why not speak Japanese? Stare at me all you want. I really couldn't care less anymore.

Hinata says that she sees Japan's faults but recognizes every place in the world has its faults and still loves Japan. I still love Japanese. More than that, I just don't want to give up. I don't want to give up just because it's difficult. I don't want to drop it for an easier alternative. I'm just stubborn that way. But, I have yet to fall in love with Japan again. I have a difficult relationship with Japan right now. I've loved the country once, but now that I've seen so many ridiculous things about it, it's hard for me to love it right now. Maybe someday, maybe never, but I still have 5 months to go.